Dog Envy

Apparently, I have deprived two girls of a dog this year. While at Auditorium Shores today, Ladybug declared: Me go pet me some DOGS!! So she wandered, with Beignet who is a little more on the shy side at times following, from dog to dog. Bug would scope out the owner, bat her little brown eyes and say: I please pet your dog?? After getting the required permission, she would pet away until she had had her fill, thank the owner, and move on. She even went so far as "I throw that ball your dog?" and "I throw that ball water make your dog swim?" The last dog, Pickie, put up with her tennis ball being thrown about 5 feet for several throws...until her owner said to me: Maybe you need to get your kids a dog. And off I slunk.

In the car, Bug announced her usual: I wish we do that 'gain sometime.

Sure, maybe, but not with a dog that I own...

Ladybug, Ladybug, Fly Away Home

Today may have been one of our best days ever. It was a glorious day outside, Bug had declared it "train day," and we had hours of tantrum free fun at the park. Tantrums had been on the rise from both girls, I guess in anticipation of the changes afoot. But for some reason today, we were all OK. Maybe because we knew this was it, and there was nothing to be done. So, cinnamon rolls, train ride, park, McDonald's, and Auditorium Shores later, we all three went to Bug's next stop to say our good-byes. We are fortunate though that we will get to see her again. Bug is the first kid of my twelve to go back home, and while it is hard for me not to worry a bit, I am hopeful that she will have a life of being safe and feeling loved.

Sending you love on your journey, Bug. Can't wait to see you soon!

Ladybug's List of Ten

10. Insisted I say "Rise and Shine" (ala Guy Russell) every school day. The absence of rise and shine got "It a stay home day?" for a response.
9. Distinguished busses as: city bus, city bus with a bike on front, school bus, and charter bus.
8. Spent about 2 months throwing a fit if she did not get to hold my "watch hand," yes, the one with the Timex.
7. Frequently, perhaps too frequently, walked around the house saying: I so cute!
6. Was the absolute worst back-seat driver I have had. "Tammy! Go! What you waitin' for???"
5. Favorite dinnertime game: Place napkin on lap. Make it crinkle. "You hear my napkin?"
4. Declared the Ben White to North I-35 flyover her "favit bidge". "I wish we go my favit bidge 'gain sometime."
3. Every night at bedtime made us go into the bathroom, lights off, and triggered her light up ball. At this point, we sang Old McDonald, passing the ball around for THREE verses, no more, no less, but always including a pig. Song ended with a giant CHA CHA CHA! and then we could go to bed.
2. Was a walking song. Nonstop singing, all. the. time. Our solution to "no singing at the dinner table" was "you can sing in your head." I assure you, she did.
1. Said I love you like this: "ah wub shoe." Ah wub shoe too, baby girl.

Waiting Patiently

Beignet's adoption worker was over yesterday. I missed the beginning of the conversation, but was told that Beignet basically asked what the hold up was for finding forever. Her caseworker said: "Well, it's my job to find the perfect family for you."

Beignet's quick response: But they don't have to BE perfect.

Hang on a little longer, baby girl.

To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

--Mary Oliver

Our house is way too quiet when Bug has her overnights away. Our paper chain has four links remaining. We are missing you already, Ladybug.

Defining Hair

four ponies, hair toys, something with a lot of hairballs (pony holders w/ balls), something with just a few, triangles, braids, twists, a quick 'do, one that "takes long but looks good," beads, the most ponies ever, just something FAST please, one that you don't have to do again tomorrow, one that looks so cute, that one you did a long, long time ago, one with those teeny little clips, a lot of pink!, leave it alone, comb it softly, do it in front of the TV, NOT the way you did it that one time, whichever one is your favorite, ....

....all responses to the question: What do you want me to do this time?

Early Thanksgiving

I was thinking last night that if I did I not absolutely adore the two kids in my home right now, I may have cashed in my chips. I was feeling so tired of being a part of what I see as an incredibly broken system at times.

Today, I am back though. Appreciative that this insanity is my life. Today, I am thankful for:
...two beautiful children, although they are not mine to keep, who make me laugh every single day.
...a wonderful caseworker who has stepped up to bat several times in the past week to fight for what is right for my girls and who, whether knowingly or not, picks me up almost daily right now.
...Bug's mom, who during collectively 2 hours of conversation today while Bug was at some appointments, shared with me what she thought Bug's life would be like during these months vs. what it really is. And how she is happy about that big difference in visions. And shared some sadness, and appreciation, and stories, and firsts, and worries, and plans...and this time with her, that six months ago probably would have terrified me, felt almost normal.
...my fellow foster friend who absolutely gets how crazy hard and crazy rewarding this life is.

So much to be grateful for! No need to cash in chips yet.

Bug's Hallmark Card

Beignet is having a hard time with the idea that the person she has called Sister for over seven months is leaving. She has a heart of gold though. Yesterday, she made a card for Bug. They are both very proud of the card...Beignet as the giver, Bug as the receiver. It's hung beside Bug's bed with the idea that when she leaves she can hang it beside her new bed and she'll remember us.


Beignet read it aloud, which is always necessary when a kindergartener is learning to write. I love how much meaning she packed into 25 letters. "I love you. You are my best friend, Bug. I am sad that you are moving. You are a nice girl. I love you and will miss you, Bug."

Paper Chains

Bug's departure is getting closer than any of us care to admit, but admit it we must if we want a smooth transition. "Before Thanksgiving" is a little too vague for Beignet. Today we made a paper chain to count down the days...
It's far too short for any of our liking.

More Worrying

It all started about a month ago when Beignet spent the night at a friend's. "Poor Tammy," Bug said from her carseat as we pulled out of the friend's driveway, "You only have one kid."

We've recently started talking about the excitement of next weekend: BOTH girls will be sleeping over somewhere (separate places, same night, perfect planning). This is something like what I overheard in the bathroom yesterday morning, the buzz of electric toothbrushes in the background.

Bug: You sleeping at (friend)'s house?
Beignet: Yes, and you will be at your mom's.
Bug: Poor Tammy! She have no kids. Tammy be sad?
Beignet: Probably. She has CC and Stubby though.
Bug: Bug can't take CC to mom's.
Beignet (laughing): And I can't put Stubby in my backpack!
Bug: Tammy Ok. Tammy only have cats though. No kids. Tammy pick you up?
Beignet: Yup.
Bug: Tammy pick me up?
Beignet: uh-huh.
Bug: Then Tammy have TWO kids 'gain!

Worry Wart

Bug likes to recap things Baby B does wrong by saying: Not Ok to X?
So tonight at dinner, the conversation was something like this:

Bug: Not OK write on table, right?
Tammy: Bug, you don't have to worry about Beignet.
Bug: I worry 'bout Bug?
Tammy: Yes, that is perfect. Worry about just you.
Bug: But Tammy, I worry 'bout you too? I love you. It ok I worry 'bout you? Tammy my favorite.

What's not to love about Halloween?

I forget how much fun Halloween can be, though I think it'd be easier if it were on a school day so I didn't have to fill 13 hours of time before trick-or-treating.

Beignet was absolutely giddy today. We made Halloween cookies that thrilled her to no end. (The fact that I let her eat one BEFORE lunch was an added bonus). Mummy dogs (aka, pigs in a blanket w/ a little bit of hotdog sticking out and mustard eyes) were the hit of dinner for her. Of course, trick or treating sealed the deal on this being the all time best day in the entire month.

Bug wasn't quite sure about all of this excitement. She liked all of the stuff we did close to home. She loved the "mommy" dogs, especially when Beignet announced "I ate the mummy's BOTTOM!!" She just wasn't so sure about this thing called Trick or Treating. "I can't find what we do." (translation: I don't know what we will do.) and "I scary!" (I'm scared.)

But in the end, all was good. The evening ended with two overtired children hopped up on sugar, with a 3 year old voice calling from the bottom bunk: I wish we do that 'gain 'morrow!

Happy Halloween!